It started off with the dream of becoming a doctor, yes that was where it all began. I was too young to be aware of the status of being a doctor and may be also unaware of what being a doctor means. I could rather put it as the ambition of my parents. Like every other parent, my parents too had a dream of making me what they could never be. And I was never bothered about imposing their dream upon me because, as I said, I was too young to recognize it. The ambition bloomed up slowly in me and there were no worries since I was quite a brilliant student and often, the teacher’s pet.
I still remember the “breakup of my first ambition’ (as they say, the breakup of first love!). It happened when I was in fourth standard- the breakup that happened at the Trivandrum Medical College. My dear father did the mistake (?) of taking this aspiring doctor-to- be to the medical exhibition there. I was too much excited; after all I am the future Dr.Neenu Angelo MBBS. I was cheerfully running around watching everything. I observed with admiration the exhibited dead bodies with the small intestine, the large intestine, the liver, and what not…all internal organs exhibited to the external world. I was examining them closely under the notion that the exhibits were actually duped ones- a fake dead body, a fake intestine, fake kidneys…This speculation of mine was soon shattered when I overheard a participant explaining to someone else: “Sir, this is the real body of a man who died two years ago and these are his real internal organs”. Those were the last words I heard anyone speak over there. I moved slowly away from the exhibits, watching again other kidneys and intestines but feeling a little dizzy. I do not know what magic the words, ‘the real body of a man’,’ died two years ago’ and ‘his real internal organs’ had, but I just wanted to run away from that ‘stinking’ place. Finally, I came out of the Medical College leaving my first ambition there, near that dead body of two years old with its real internal organs displayed.
My family, being very considerate was quite fine with my decision of abandoning the medical profession, as there was another good option before me- Engineering. But my slow decline in the interest in studies posed a serious threat to my second ambition of being an engineer. Thus I passed my tenth standard with good marks (‘good’ in the sense, when you do not compare my marks with anyone around) and I stepped on to eleventh standard with hopes of being a software engineer (only because that was “the in-thing” at that period). But unfortunately (?) Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics were too much for me. In fact, my request to my younger brother when he reached his twelfth standard was to teach me what ‘integration’ and ‘differentiation’ meant. I still wonder, on lazy evenings, when I am alone, with myself, “how did I pass my twelfth?!” All my teachers were occupied with threatening me to studies and giving me chunks of impositions save my English teacher. I scored marks only for English and that was my habit right from school. By that time I was sure that Engineering was not my cup of tea.
Well, my parents did not loose hope; I can be an English lecturer and the long lost dream of the prefix “Dr” without being an MBBS degree holder, but with a Ph.D. With that “Dr” thought again in my mind I joined college for a graduation in Communicative English. That gave me an exposure to a much interesting field- the media. The media overthrew my ambition of being a teacher- it enthralled me, it fascinated me, it intoxicated me. My unfortunate parents would have been flabbergasted. They would have regretted of sending me for Communicative English rather than the regular English Literature at one time or another.
But, my ambition did not have a clear-cut view even then. Should it be a career in visual media or in journalism? Will not Radio be a good choice? What about T.V. Will I fit in there? Is it a good option for me? What about advertising- being a copywriter? Isn’t teaching a better option? After all, the ELT paper was not that bad! But the way I sweated before taking the class and the way I by-hearted the whole lesson plan and the amount of time I took to prepare for a fifteen-minute class… no, media is better.
At the end of the third year I was full of questions, questions, and questions. And the answer? I decided to think for two more years- to ponder upon these questions for two more years. An M.A in English Literature would not be a bad idea. Then I can divert to any field. Why not it be in the most honored place in Kerala University? And hence, I’m at the Institute of English and my one year is over. The most unfortunate part is the millions of time I am being thrown before people eagerly wanting to know what my ambition is. And I would have to tell them the whole history of my ambitions. Do you want to know what my present ambition is? Yes, I have found an answer to it- my ambition is to find an ambition for me.
I still remember the “breakup of my first ambition’ (as they say, the breakup of first love!). It happened when I was in fourth standard- the breakup that happened at the Trivandrum Medical College. My dear father did the mistake (?) of taking this aspiring doctor-to- be to the medical exhibition there. I was too much excited; after all I am the future Dr.Neenu Angelo MBBS. I was cheerfully running around watching everything. I observed with admiration the exhibited dead bodies with the small intestine, the large intestine, the liver, and what not…all internal organs exhibited to the external world. I was examining them closely under the notion that the exhibits were actually duped ones- a fake dead body, a fake intestine, fake kidneys…This speculation of mine was soon shattered when I overheard a participant explaining to someone else: “Sir, this is the real body of a man who died two years ago and these are his real internal organs”. Those were the last words I heard anyone speak over there. I moved slowly away from the exhibits, watching again other kidneys and intestines but feeling a little dizzy. I do not know what magic the words, ‘the real body of a man’,’ died two years ago’ and ‘his real internal organs’ had, but I just wanted to run away from that ‘stinking’ place. Finally, I came out of the Medical College leaving my first ambition there, near that dead body of two years old with its real internal organs displayed.
My family, being very considerate was quite fine with my decision of abandoning the medical profession, as there was another good option before me- Engineering. But my slow decline in the interest in studies posed a serious threat to my second ambition of being an engineer. Thus I passed my tenth standard with good marks (‘good’ in the sense, when you do not compare my marks with anyone around) and I stepped on to eleventh standard with hopes of being a software engineer (only because that was “the in-thing” at that period). But unfortunately (?) Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics were too much for me. In fact, my request to my younger brother when he reached his twelfth standard was to teach me what ‘integration’ and ‘differentiation’ meant. I still wonder, on lazy evenings, when I am alone, with myself, “how did I pass my twelfth?!” All my teachers were occupied with threatening me to studies and giving me chunks of impositions save my English teacher. I scored marks only for English and that was my habit right from school. By that time I was sure that Engineering was not my cup of tea.
Well, my parents did not loose hope; I can be an English lecturer and the long lost dream of the prefix “Dr” without being an MBBS degree holder, but with a Ph.D. With that “Dr” thought again in my mind I joined college for a graduation in Communicative English. That gave me an exposure to a much interesting field- the media. The media overthrew my ambition of being a teacher- it enthralled me, it fascinated me, it intoxicated me. My unfortunate parents would have been flabbergasted. They would have regretted of sending me for Communicative English rather than the regular English Literature at one time or another.
But, my ambition did not have a clear-cut view even then. Should it be a career in visual media or in journalism? Will not Radio be a good choice? What about T.V. Will I fit in there? Is it a good option for me? What about advertising- being a copywriter? Isn’t teaching a better option? After all, the ELT paper was not that bad! But the way I sweated before taking the class and the way I by-hearted the whole lesson plan and the amount of time I took to prepare for a fifteen-minute class… no, media is better.
At the end of the third year I was full of questions, questions, and questions. And the answer? I decided to think for two more years- to ponder upon these questions for two more years. An M.A in English Literature would not be a bad idea. Then I can divert to any field. Why not it be in the most honored place in Kerala University? And hence, I’m at the Institute of English and my one year is over. The most unfortunate part is the millions of time I am being thrown before people eagerly wanting to know what my ambition is. And I would have to tell them the whole history of my ambitions. Do you want to know what my present ambition is? Yes, I have found an answer to it- my ambition is to find an ambition for me.
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I lik it!